Six Months In
by GoldenGleek314
Summary: Kurt has finally gotten his crush, Finn Hudson, to become his boyfriend! It's now six months into their relationship, and he catches Finn kissing his ex-girlfriend, Quinn Fabray. Was Kurt getting played this entire time? Can Kurt recover from this heartache knowing his dark past? Can Finn save Kurt in time before it's too late? Was the break the best thing for them?
1. Calm Before the Storm

**~Kurt's POV~**

The alarm clock went off at 4:50 in the morning as usual. I groaned as I tried to repeatedly hit the "snooze" button on phone, but it wouldn't shut up! Just a few extra minutes to sleep was all I wanted.

"Alright, alright!" I whined sitting up to stop the ringing. There weren't many notifications that were waiting for me this morning, but one made me smile brightly. Today marked six months of my relationship with the one and only, Finn Hudson. Each day that I got to spend with the boy was the best part.

I was head over heels for that football player. People keep saying that he's just playing with my mind, and at first, it was easy to believe them. Finn couldn't possibly feel the same about me, he was straight! Or so everyone thought. After dating the head cheerleader, Quinn Febray, we began to talk more and more. As friends, of course. I guess after a while he finally got to the point where he admitted to having deeper feelings for me, and that's where our friendship turned into something more. As soon as I stood up from my bed, I got a text.

 _Happy six months babe! I'll see you in a couple hours! ~F_

That put an even bigger smile on my face. I quickly texted back, blushing as well. He actually remembered! Days like these make it easier to be motivated to get ready for school. To make it even better, we set up dinner reservations at Breadstix for just the two of us. Nothing could possibly ruin my day.

I got to the first period of the day, making it five minutes before the bell rings, taking my seat next to Mercedes. She has been a huge support for me throughout all of this. Sometimes I wondered if I annoy her with me always gushing over my boyfriend. It isn't all that I talk to her about, she has a relationship with Sam, but as best friends, we talk about other things too.

"What are you even wearing?" I jokingly commented.

"Shut up, white boy. Nothing else was clean because my mom hadn't done laundry yet" Mercedes protested. "I mean, you have your nerve talking about me. Look at what you have on! Nothing seems to match and - that is a girl's shirt!"

"Fashion knows no gender," I protested, digging in my bag to get out the binder for the subject that was about to get started. "Also, the only decent outfit that I have for tonight cannot get slushied on!"

You would think that by being the star quarterback's boyfriend would boost up my reputation, right? Well, it had, but only in the opposite direction. I had still been getting hatred from the athletes that I convinced Finn that he was bisexual when that couldn't have been any further from the truth!

The entire football team always mean mugging me, Karofsky still pushes me around, even Puck being in Glee club still gives me shit about it."I can't believe you made my best friend a homo!" Puck snubbed at me after the second period. "All he ever talks about is how you make him happy and crap!"

"I didn't change him! Seriously Puck, it still surprises me as well but I wouldn't ever FORCE ANYBODY into thinking they're gay, bisexual, or whatever! Can't you be happy for us?"

"I can't wait for the day he fucking dumps you and goes back to who he really is. Which is straight! This won't last, Kurt" He then slams me against the lockers harder than ever, and my head began to hurt really bad. As if I were hit by a truck. Tears started to roll down my face, and the head throbs were just beginning to sink in. I put my head in my hands, beginning to slightly shake and breathe heavily.

"Kurt?" the voice called out in concerned. I assumed it was Rachel. "What happened? Are you okay?!"

"N-no!" I cried out, " My head hurts" The room started to spin around in slow motion. I could feel myself losing my balance, even with me sitting down.

"Let me get you to the nurse!" Rachel requested, and I accepted the offer. I reached out my hand without my eyes being able to see properly. The water in my eyes made it a little hard to see, so I was thankful for her help.

"What happened?"

"Puck," was all I said, and she immediately understood.

"Promise me you won't let him discourage you about tonight" Rachel's voice sounded a little apprehensive for me. To be honest, it's appreciated that she and Mercedes care so much about me. Even if I know Rachel wishes Finn was dating her.

We made it to the nurse's office within two minutes. I just say that it's a really bad headache which earned me a glare from Rachel. Of course, Puck should be held accountable for doing it but he's Finn's best friend. What if he was right and I would end up heartbroken? I put my bag down and laid down on the mat. Closing my eyes and still with a pounding headache I closed my eyes beginning to rest.

* * *

I must've slept for a couple of hours before waking back up. The ice pack was no longer cold, and I was feeling better. Sitting up, I looked at the time on my phone seeing that it neared lunchtime. Which was a good thing because I was getting hungry. Collecting my belongings I made my way to the cafeteria. I got my food from the lunch line and sat down with Rachel and Mercedes greeting them both.

"Are you feeling better, Kurt?" Mercedes asked me.

"Yeah, I am," I sighed. "I can't help but think that Puck could be right."

"Why would he be right to beat you up?" Rachel questioned.

I shook my head. "No, not that. He actually said something to me that could be true. What if this is a phase and Finn realizes he's straight? Then I'm just his experiment!"

"Oh, hell no he did not say that to you!" Mercedes exclaimed. "That won't happen. He really likes you, Kurt. I would tell you if I thought otherwise."

"So would I." Rachel agreed. "Don't stress over it"

"Puck is a jerk." A voice said from behind. I turned around seeing Finn behind me. I smiled slightly at his presence. "I'm with you now, and I've never been happier."

I got up from my chair hugging him tightly and a peck on the lips. "Hey."

"Your headache go away?"

"It did. I'm sorry I couldn't text you back, I was asleep."

"It's okay babe. As long as you're fine, that's what is important," Finn kissed me this time with a little more emotion and I could hear my best friends behind me aweing and cheering. That made us pull away laughing and blushing.

"Are you sure that you made the reservations last night?"

"I did!" Finn promised. "Tonight at eight o'clock. I'll pick you up at seven-thirty."

"Okay great!" I sat back down in the chair. "I'll see you then." He waved goodbye to everyone and headed to his next class. I watched him walk away from the table and meeting up with Sam giving him a fist bump as they both walked out the cafeteria. I turned back around with an obvious smile on my face.

"Looks like someone is happy again," Rachel said in a singsongy tone.

"Shut up" I smirked at her and then laughed. The rest of the lunch period we discussed Mercedes' relationship with Sam and how Rachel's date with Jesse St. James went. Which to my surprise went very well.

The rest of the day was pretty decent. I had math, science, and social studies left to do. No one seemed to mess with me, and that was great. There was a pop quiz in math, however, I passed it! My day was starting to get back on the right track which made me more excited about my date tonight.

After the final period, I got my things from my locker, I headed to the boy's locker room to go see Finn before I left for the day. He had football practice this afternoon before our date. As I was walking towards the locker room doors, I heard small moans coming from the inside. It was just one of Finn's team-mates and his girlfriend but then I heard another sound which had me a little worried. I was trying to get out of my headspace.

I went into the room where he was, but I stopped at the doors where I couldn't believe what I was witnessing there was Finn kissing with Quinn. My eyes couldn't believe what was being presented right in front of them. The closing sound of the door didn't even interrupt them at all.

Tears of heartbreak were quickly on the horizon in my eyes. The kiss that was being shared between the two was gentle, slow movements, and looked very intimate. In my head I was screaming I am losing him again to a girl.

Small moans were escaping from each other's mouths and it began to drove me crazy. Finn had never made those noises when we would make out. Puck was right all along. I can't believe he would lead me on like this, and for so long. This was really the worst betrayal ever.

I couldn't take it any longer so I just went back out and ran to my truck holding back sobs until I could get in. Afterwards, I just couldn't control it anymore and all the tears came down faster. This relationship was all a little game and I got fooled.

I pulled out of the parking lot rushing home my vision was getting blurry through all of the tears. I started to question our relationship.

* * *

 **TO BE CONTINUED...**


	2. Crashing Down

**CHAPTER 2**

* * *

 **~Kurt's POV~**

I made it back home in less than fifteen minutes. As soon as I got downstairs into my room, I lay on my bed and sobbed my eyes out. This didn't seem fair at all. Did I do something wrong? We've had a couple of arguments here and there, but I didn't think it was this bad.

This was supposed to be a great day for me, and everything turned into shit. I didn't know what hurt me worse. The fact that he was cheating on me, or that it was with Quinn. Everyone warned me that this would happen, but I acted like I didn't want to hear it. Did he ever break up with her? What if they planned for this to happen and they're now laughing at me because their plan worked, or is working.

 _"Maybe the little bitch will leave me alone after I crush him!"_ I thought to myself as I let my thoughts get the best of me, I imagined that is what Finn is saying that to Puck and Quinn making a big joke about this. That the next day they'd go back to throwing me into the dumpsters again. All of this just to bully me even worse but then again he was the one who got me out of the dumpsters when we first met.

Everything that I knew about love was a lie. First, Blaine Anderson and now Finn does it too. Nobody really cares about my feelings. Coming out was hard, but being cheated on is way worst. As if everyone wanted me to just go back into the closet and drown in my feelings. I could never pull off the role of a straight person, I tried that once and it made my skin crawl I couldn't be my true self.

My face was buried in my pillow letting it get soaked with my tears, even with Blaine I didn't cry this much, why is this hurting me more than it should? As far as I'm concerned, Finn Hudson is dead to me. I don't have to move from this spot. The scene of them kept haunting me of how Finn must enjoy having a girl back in his arms. It made me sick to my stomach. He can't just flip-flop on who he likes, that's not how it works.

After a few minutes my phone rang, and it was him. I didn't want to be laughed at or Finn trying to convince me that he was excited about the date. Nothing was going to work. Especially not over the phone!

* * *

 **~Finn's POV~**

I was getting ready for practice when she walked in and just grabbed me by my neck. She pressed her lips against mine. I didn't even want it, it felt wrong my spark for her has gone away. I was trying to push her off of me but as I was doing so she kept kissing me longer and harder. I even faked the moaning which wasn't that hard for me when it came to her. I almost felt like we were being watched. When I heard the sound of the door shutting I thought to myself, _shit what if it was Kurt this is not going to look good_ I _had to explain even more._

I don't know if I ever told him that I actually liked him when I was dating Quinn, I couldn't explain why I liked him because I was still figuring myself out. Yeah, he can be a handful but I didn't mind that at all, he was all fashion and Broadway while I am sports and military but somehow we balance each other out in a way. If you told me a year ago that I would be falling in love with a guy, I would have called you crazy. I am not the one to be into labels, just because I just happen to fall for a guy this time around who knows where this is going to take us. They say that you can't help who you fall in love with, well I totally believe them. My friends are well trying to get used to the idea, Puck well he needs some sense knocked into him. How can he comment on my love life when he is banging a new girl every night?

Kurt takes his time with me, I am new to this whole dating a guy thing. I think I want tonight to be the night where we take it further, but I don't see that happening anytime soon if he saw what just happened. I wanted to make this night special for him since he's been very understanding. How could I get him to understand or even believe what really happened especially when this is my ex-girlfriend? I respect that he misses his ex Blaine Anderson from time to time, but he doesn't go around kissing him. Well, I don't go kissing my ex-girlfriends I just get forced into it. She didn't take it very well when I was leaving her for a guy. I even started to talk to him towards the end of our relationship I had to lie who I was talking to. I felt like if I'd told her she would be sending me to Hell. She just gives him dagger eyes every time that she sees him in the hallway or in glee club. I am exactly shocked that she still wants to be in the club after what happened between us.

She felt the need to convert me back to my old self, but frankly, I have become a better person with Kurt by my side. I am starting to sound like a cheesy uncensored hallmark movie. I could go on how much I love him, but now that feels like it went down the drain.I had to get out of that room and over to his house before this gets any worse than it looks like. I get Quinn off of me for the last time.

"I need to get out of here and to my boyfriend, I am not yours anymore Quinn. Actually, I never was." I said in a serious manner

"What are you even talking about, Finn. We were together all throughout middle school and some part of last year then all of sudden the only gay kid in this small town comes in and all of the sudden you have a thing for him. That is impossible, he bullied you into liking him." Quinn said angrily.

"Don't tell me how I feel when I am just trying to get through the day without someone calling me names okay. Yeah just because we were together in middle school and our freshman year of high school doesn't mean shit. I am my true self now Quinn so deal with it. The stunt you just pulled isn't going to change the fact that I love Kurt. You and your holy shit can go somewhere else. I faked everything with you for the last year of our relationship. He didn't do that I was just over you by the time that he showed up. He brings me true happiness but now I have to go beg to still be with him because I'm pretty sure that he just saw that." I responded passionately.

"I hope that you both burn in Hell you both deserve each other." Quinn says that before storming out slamming the doors into the wall.

I shove all of my crap into my duffle bag and I ran through the hallways trying to get to my truck faster. All I wanted to do is get to his house and tell my side of the story, I was ready for the fighting and the heartache if he was going to break up with me. Maybe I wasn't but I had to keep telling myself that, he is the only one who gets me at the moment. My mom wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea and my dad hasn't spoken to me since I told him about Kurt and me.

I get into the car and I get out my phone dialing his number hoping that he will pick up the phone. It went to the voicemail, I hit my steering wheel I was getting pissed at myself. Why did I have to screw up the one good thing that's happening in my life?

I turn on my truck and I drive as fast as I could to get over his house. I kept passing everyone up on the highway. I am just hoping that he will answer the door. What seemed like forever I finally pulled up to his house, I slam my truck door and I run up to his door, I bang on the door. "Kurt please open up I need to talk to you." I pleaded.

* * *

 **TO BE CONTINUED...**

 **Thank you for all the lovely reviews so far! Also, a big shout out to Jennie for helping me so much! Until next Wednesday...**


	3. The Battle

**CHAPTER 3**

* * *

 **~Kurt's POV~**

I didn't know what to do. All I know was the day that was supposed to be so important and special to me, and I thought for Finn as well had been ruined. How could I have been such a fool for so long? My dad came down trying to talk to me but I just told him to go away.

The only person who I would talk to wouldn't be here anytime soon, if at all. This situation is inexcusable no matter how I try to look at it. He could've just broken up with me instead of being a whore! I'd already been through this once before, why did I have to do this all over again?

This doesn't make it any easier to deal with. At least with Blaine, it was another guy. That's not an excuse for it, but with Finn, I have to watch out for both genders now!

A few more minutes pass by and I hear my dad open the front door. The anger in his voice made it clear that it was Finn at the door. Does he know that I caught him? I really wasn't ready for this. A couple of minutes went by and I heard footsteps coming down the stairs, no matter who it is I wasn't going to look up from the pillow right away.

* * *

 **~Finn's POV~**

I had been knocking nonstop for about thirty seconds before I heard the door unlock and open. It was Mr. Hummel standing in front of me, and he looked angry at me. His face was a little red and he looked heated. "My son has been crying for the past twenty minutes. Do you have anything to do with this?"

I had to think on my feet for my answer, I went with a lie. "No Mr. Hummel, he didn't get the role he wanted to get in the new school play it was a lead role. He didn't even give me a chance to console him he just ran of there." I said with a convincing look on my face. I was hoping that this would be enough where I could get to see him and tell him my side of the story. I just needed a few minutes of his time for me to explain.

"You better be telling me the truth son or there will be hell to pay if I find out that you lied to me." said an angry Burt. _I wanted to believe what he had to say but I have seen my son be this hurt before. All I want to do is to protect him with everything I got._

I get let in and I run down the basement where I find him lying across the bed in tears. I caused all of this pain how could have fucked up so badly. I knew he had experienced this kind of pain and I let it happen all over again. I wanted to go over there and lay next to him and hold him, but clearly, that wasn't happening.

"Kurt….I know you saw what happened, and well I didn't want it. She forced herself on me and I tried to stop her. She wouldn't get off of me, I don't feel anything for her I never really have since I met you everything has changed since I have met you. I told her that it was over between us it has been for a while. I know these things are cliche but I am telling you the truth here. I know I can be a shitty boyfriend, I don't know how to do this. I do know seeing you like this is killing me inside. I fucked up and I don't know how to fix it. You are the only good thing in my life right now." I said pleading and all choked up.

* * *

 **~Kurt's POV~**

Listening to Finn made my heart ache even more. I have never heard him be this vulnerable. It was a little surprising, although I could hear the desperation in his voice. However, this still wasn't adding up to me. With a soft and quiet voice, I asked, "Do you not know what you mean to me? Do you not understand that I've taken more shit lately just because I somehow 'made you go homo'?"

"Kurt I-" said Finn.

"No… You don't!" I shouted a little. "I have been called a wh-whore… A homewrecker, a fucking SLUT! FINN, THE LIST GOES ON! I can't even imagine the rumors and lies that the bitch will be starting tomorrow morning. Call me selfish, and I don't care but I'm done. I love you, so much Finn…" I turn to face him in the eyes. "You were special to me. You keep me grounded and focused on my dreams. How am I supposed to just forget about this?! Huh?!"

I swallowed the lump that was forming in my throat. "I… Am tired of this. Even if this was a mistake, Finn. If you want me as you say you do, then earn my trust again! As of right now, you don't have it! Who's next, Santana?!" I took in another shaky breath. "Of all days to do this, of course, she would pick the day that'd hurt me the MOST!" I put my arms up and back down in frustration.

* * *

 **~Finn's POV~**

Seeing him with his puffy red eyes made me think of the night he called me up to come over to save him from himself. That moment I knew that I loved him. I wanted to save him that night and forever after that, he gave me a spare key after that night to the back downstairs door if I needed to come in without waking up his parents. I took the letter out of his hand and I put it in my pocket for safe keeping. I wasn't ready to see him leave me especially like that.

"Kurt I- I do understand. I get words thrown at me all the time just being with you, and you know what? I don't care because they don't know us. She thought she could convert me back into liking her but I told her she can take her and her holy shit somewhere else. The moaning you heard was me faking it so badly… I've always done that with her. I may not be your first but I would like to be your last. I know I have to earn it back that is only fair. There is no one else I hope you know that."

"You didn't turn me into anything this was my choice to love you all on my own, these feelings are real. No one is paying me to go out with you."

"Quinn is the head Queen bitch when something doesn't go her way she throws a fit and I am sorry it happened to us. Especially on this night of all fucking don't end us because some words that people have been saying they are hypocrites. I want to show you off to the whole world. Rumors are rumors, we will speak our truth action speaks louder than words."

I move closer to his bed hoping that he would let me near him even if it was for one last time.

"I lied to get down here to tell you all of this...so if your dad asked you didn't get the role in the musical you wanted."

* * *

 **~Kurt's POV~**

"First off,... That's not a lie….Yeah, the part was given to Blaine because I'm too 'feminine' so I'm just an extra in the back" I shrug.

"Babe, I'm sorry…" said Finn

"Second, you could have stopped her the second she walked in the locker room but you didn't YOU LET IT HAPPEN FINN! THIS IS WHY I HAVEN'T FULLY GIVEN MYSELF TO YOU, SHE ALWAYS LINGERS AROUND US OR SHOULD I SAY YOU. SAY ALL YOU WANT ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL, JUST ADMIT THAT YOU STILL WANT HER, DON'T BULLSHIT ME, HUDSON! IF YOU DO THEN YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT ME FOR GOOD I WON'T BOTHER YOU ANYMORE BECAUSE CLEARLY, THAT'S WHAT I AM TOO YOU AN INCONVENIENCE." I sigh in a depressive manner. "Cancel tonight it's being tainted with her lips all over yours, and just leave me alone I can't even look at you. This has been such a bad day for me starting with the musical, puck using me as football, and then she goes and kisses you like she is still with you. Nope, I can't do this tonight I'm over it I think we need to take a break for a while….or forever. I'll take the key back for now."

I turned back over to face the wall and I looked at my wrist thinking of the ways to end it all, all I could see was the blood in front of my eyes. This killed me more than anything I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. I thought what we had was real, yeah it wasn't perfect by any means but I thought this was going to be the last relationship…...well he took all of that away from me today. I loved him, maybe more than I did with Blaine which to most people says a lot. He made me feel alive. I have been dead for so long and he came along then he awakens something inside of me. I didn't have to go through the motions with Finn, my feelings came naturally and freely. I let him see my dark side.

* * *

 **~Finn's POV~**

I knew he wasn't mad at me he was mad at the situation at hand, okay maybe a little bit at me. I knew that there was nothing I could say or do to make this better. I just wanted to show him that I do care about him and his feelings. This is the last thing that I wanted to happen today, why today of all fucking days did she have to start this. I wish I never dated her so we didn't have this problem, I wish I knew him a long time ago.

"No I don't see you as an inconvenience at all, you are far from that. You are the first and last person I think about. I have been trying to get her off of my case about me being with you, but clearly, she doesn't know how to take a fucking hint at all. I want all of you, Kurt Elizabeth Hummel, and only you for as long as you will have me. You can bother me as long as you want too I swear. We may be opposites but that's what attracted us together, didn't it? I find it cute when you try to pay attention when I play football and I am sure you feel the same way when I try to figure out 'Project Runway'. I'll take care of Puck okay? I'll knock some sense into him and tell him to quit messing with you. I don't want to walk away from you even if it's just for a while. I don't know what I'll do without you by my side. I don't want to give up this key because right now you are the only person who wants me right now, and It's like I am starting to feel at home with you."

I slip the key off my key ring and I place it on his dresser top. All I could think of what if he needed me so badly I wouldn't be able to save him in time. I would feel like it will be all my fault. His parents don't even know he feels inside every day, how was I supposed to do my check-ins if I wasn't able to text or talk to him or even see his face to know that he was okay. What if he starts up again because of me? I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. I don't want to lose him but maybe this break will be good for us.

"Bye Kurt….I'll see you at school tomorrow." I leave him. I start to head home but not before I go to the local liquor store and I get a bottle of whiskey. I wanted to drown in my feelings. This is my fourth bottle this week, the employees practically know who I am when I walk in. I always hide it in my gym bag so I could bring it upstairs with me to my room. I hid it so well too even Kurt didn't even notice when we kissed. I make sure I buy a Gatorade when I get my Whiskey, so far I haven't gone to school hungover but maybe tonight I'll change that. I grab the usual Jack Daniel's bottle and a large Gatorade bottle. I give them the exact change and I head to my car where I get inside and I break down in tears. I let out all of my tears until I felt numb inside.

I rush past my parents and head upstairs to my room, I lay on my bed staring up at the ugly popcorn ceiling. I crack up the bottle and I take a big gulp of the whiskey the first shot always burn no matter how much my body gets used to it. Each sip was getting better and going down smoothly I could feel myself escaping little by little. My head feeling lighter every time I decided I didn't needed to do a line tonight the drinking was enough to kill the pain. My world was crashing around me again and I don't know how to stop it. No one was telling me to stop. I am my own worst enemy. I fell asleep after the bottle felt empty.

* * *

 **To be continued...**


	4. The War

**CHAPTER 4**

* * *

 **~Kurt's POV~**

I walked into the building the following morning with bags under my eyes and a cup of coffee in my hand. I slowly walked down the hallway not in any rush whatsoever to get to the first period. What was the point? I rarely do anything in the morning except study for some test which I thankfully didn't have any today. As I made my way to my locker, I felt someone was following me. "Leave me alone, Finn. I'm not in the mood."

"Alright… But my name is not Finn." The voice made me stop in my tracks.

"Did you miss me, Kurt, because I missed you?" Said Blaine.

"Why would I miss a toxic person like yourself for, you used me so you can go bang some preppy?" I questioned arrogantly. I tried to give the hint that I didn't want to be bothered. However, with Blaine, it's not that easy. When he's motivated to do something, he won't go away.

"Kurt, I told you I'm sorry. Why can't we just move on from this? Just give me another chance. I can treat you way better then Finn could ever!" said Blaine acting like he cared.

"Are you serious right now?! You cheated on me with Sebastian!" I opened up my locker and opened it directly into his face. Why did I deserve to listen to his bullshit this early in the morning? All I wanted is to get of this situation. I could start to feel my skin crawl my anxiety was creeping in. "After eight months you really think I would come crawling back to you, Blaine? You just don't get it. The damage is done. You KNEW Sebastian intimidated me, and you couldn't have cared less about how I felt. Go be a walking conceited moment somewhere even better go stare at a mirror it will boost your shallow ego."

"I care about you…"

"You care about who's going to be in your little black book. I was just your pawn in your sexual desires."

"I transferred schools to be with you. That doesn't make you feel loved?"

"Oh, it did until you found a new crop of boys you could choose from because you couldn't have me. You went for anyone willing to bone you including Artie of all people like seriously... that is not love you don't know the meaning of the word." I slammed my locker starting to once again, get away from Blaine.

"He was curious!" Blaine tried to reason.

"That's a bunch of bullshit and you know it… Artie couldn't roll away from you if he had tried too."

"I said I'm sorry!"

"WELL, SORRY ISN'T GOING TO CUT IT THIS TIME NOW JUST LEAVE!" I shouted at him while walking away from a little faster. The next room I happen to go in was the choir room. It wasn't planned, but I was relieved to find both of my best friends in there as well.

Mercedes gave me a worried look when I entered the room, and so did Rachel. The both of them didn't know what to say by the looks on their faces.

"Kurt," Mercedes began. "You didn't call us about your date."

"There was no date" I groaned, taking the seat in between them. I put my head in my hands frustrated. Last night, I just couldn't talk to anyone after he left my house. Instead, I softly cried myself to sleep.

"Why not?" Rachel softly spoke.

"I'll give you two some hints. Ex-girlfriend, locker room, and making out"

"No…" Mercedes said in a shocked tone.

"Yes," I mumbled. "Then Blaine tried to talk to me this morning. He wouldn't go away, telling me the same old damn excuses. I'm done with dating."

"You broke up with him?" Rachel raised an eyebrow.

"Kind of, we are on a break right now," I replied letting tears fall down my face again. "I still love him too much to let him go. Is that pathetic?"

"Of course not!" Mercedes said as she placed a hand on my back. "You have to do what you think is best. We'll be there for you every step of the way."

* * *

 **~Finn's POV~**

I almost slept through my alarm, my head was pounding, I chug down the Gatorade before getting ready for school. I threw on clothes for school that looked clean enough, and I put on the ray bans because I was not about to deal with the sun. I made it downstairs and grab a pop tart to eat on the way to school. I haven't been this hungover since my first bottle at least I had the weekend to deal with it. I practically stumbled to the truck barely getting myself in. I turn the engine on and I blast the music so that way I could stay alert. Finally, I made it to school I wasn't ready to walk in I thought about ditching it all together and just go day drinking.

I walk into the school lights are making my eyes sensitive my head was still pounding. I had to pull myself together I didn't want him to see my hungover. Thank god I haven't hit the throwing up stage yet. I get to my locker which was not even a row down from where his one and I see that he is talking to Blaine again. He didn't take too long to move on now did he, he could not have been that upset if he was talking to him.

I found myself going to the Choir room, the band is playing softly which felt like they were playing in my ear. I avoided him like it was my job and went to the top row and I sat down. Puck came walking up to sit next to me and he could smell the alcohol that was pouring out of my skin.

"Dude, you didn't even save me any of that brown liquor. So, I see that you came to your senses and now you want to date chicks again. Welcome back bro."

"I didn't come to my fucking 'senses' okay, speaking of that leave him alone now and forever. I don't question you and your need for fucking any girl that will let you. We are on a fucking break thanks to your new fuck buddy Quinn."

"Calm the fuck down what has gotten into you Hudson. I didn't know that my sex life was important to you. I guess you couldn't handle being with a freak like jazz hands down there."

"Fuck off Puckerman."

I wanted to leave the room, but if I didn't stay it would look like he won the break. I wanted to punch Blaine for talking to him getting, I was never the jealous type. Well, I guess not until now. I guess our words together didn't even matter. I guess me saving him went out the fucking window. I was giving me all to him and then he turns around and talks to him. That son of a bitch is even sitting behind Kurt. I wanted to say something so badly but I knew that I had to be the bigger person in this.

* * *

 **~Kurt's POV~**

In the middle of my conversation, I heard footsteps coming into the room. Everyone suddenly got quiet and I was confused because the back of the chair was facing the door. Between the uncomfortable looks on everyone's faces, I knew something had to be wrong I could feel it in my bones.

Turning around my eyes were met with a different Finn than I knew. This Finn had dark glasses over his eyes, and he walked as if he were like a zombie. His presence in the room made me a little nervous, and uneasy as if I was scared for my life. He made the room feel cold with his presence. Rachel began shifting in her seat uncomfortably, and Mercedes was looking at her hands playing with them as he walked past everyone.

It was strange feeling knowing that I would normally go greet him with a warm hug and a kiss, but now I don't know how to feel. My heart was aching for his touch and his love, but that was tainted by his actions it was aching for something real. The beat that was filled with happiness and love were being replaced with betrayal and anger. It only got worse when Puck came in a minute later sitting next to him.

How could I begin to express how I was feeling when my emotions were all over the place? Puck was predicting everything that would happen yesterday. The only difference is that I'm the one who put the relationship on hold. I never really liked Puck, in fact, I've always hated him. Why does he have to be Finn's best friend? Out of all the people in the school, why was he important to Finn? I didn't make any issues out of it, however. That just wasn't my place as a boyfriend to try to control his friendships.

The rest of the club, including Blaine, entered the room all talking and bringing in a positive energy. Artie rolled next to me and we looked at each other.

"Did he try talking to you?" I questioned quietly.

"Yeah," Artie told me. "This room isn't as fun anymore."

I sighed. "I know, tell me about it."

"What happened? He always sits next to us" Artie asked cautiously.

"He cheated on me with Quinn." I simply say, and just then that's when she walked in the room turned ice cold, she was the last to enter and Mr. Shue was behind her. This would be another long day being with them in this room. I don't know how much longer I can be in the same room as the two of them knowing that they kissed and maybe close to doing the unthinkable. I can't get that image out of head it's engraved in my memories just on repeat. I tried to drown in my tears last night but there are not enough tears in the world for that.

"Alright guys, let's get started." Mr. Shue announced after the last bell rang.


	5. The War Continues

**CHAPTER 5**

* * *

 **~Blaine's POV~**

I knew I could get under Finn's skin by talking to Kurt again. I don't think that I ever loved Kurt, I knew that he loved him more than me that's why it was easy for me to fool Kurt. I wasn't really cheating on Kurt with Sebastian because I already had him. That moment when Kurt came over to Dalton, that's when we had this plan to mess with him. I knew that he would fall for all of my bullshit!

I am the double agent for Dalton, I let them in on everything that this amateur club is doing. They get a kick out of what we are doing over here at McKinley. Poor Artie with them poor sad sack of bones. Too bad he can't perform that well I am sure he wouldn't be that better off he had a pair of legs that actually worked. Poor guy doesn't know what he wants either that must run in this club. I admired Puck, he doesn't take anyone's shit and he is a ladies man. I respect that.

After we had our so-called practice, I would meet Sebastian at Breadsticks to tell him all that I know about the day. He laughed at how I got under Kurt's skin when I was asking for his forgiveness which I never really wanted in the first place. There was never a moment that I felt bad for what I was doing. He wasn't even competition for me either, yeah his high notes were impressive but he doesn't have showman quality. He thinks that he is better than everyone else he needed to be knocked down a few.

I knew sitting behind him today in Glee would make him feel uncomfortable. I wanted to get into his headspace. I could tell he was already down, but why not kick him down even further. I get a thrill out of seeing him down on his luck, I get this kind of high from it. I had to figure out a way to get under his skin this time around.

* * *

 **~Kurt's POV~**

The day felt so long I felt like I was there forever. Practice went as it always does with Shue giving another lecture about this week's lesson and Rachel practically begging to do a solo. Nobody really cares anymore because she always gets one. Why did she still feel the need to ask? I just rolled my eyes at my best friend.

When the time finally came to go home I didn't want to go through everything that reminded me of him. I knew he had practice again tonight, I wanted to avoid him like my life depended on it. He was very strange with keeping his sunglasses on whenever we would cross paths in the hall. Neither of us tried to say anything as if we pretended that we couldn't see each other. Just the other day we were holding hands as we were both discussed what we wanted to do on the date. At least I thought it was important to him. He made me question everything I knew about him.

Walking outside to get to my SUV, I heard him and his teammates arguing. It sounded pretty heated but the fighting hadn't started just yet. Unlocking the door and getting inside, I noticed that Blaine wanted my attention from the inside of his car. He was trying his best to flirt with me and it looked so pathetic and fake. Blaine makes me sick to my stomach. I didn't want to give him that satisfaction that he controlled me like a lost puppy.

* * *

 **~Finn's POV~**

"I am not that drunk to play, I have played under influence way too many times before." said a hangover Finn. I knew that I needed to run a few laps and I'd be good to go. I turned to look around and I saw Kurt walking back to his car. It felt weird not walking him to his car before I ran back to practice. This is felt more like a breakup and not a break from each other. It's only been twenty-four hours and I have been drunk for eight of them.

I also noticed Blaine which made me furious, how can he think he could crawl back into Kurt's life like that. He was one of the many reasons why he slices his skin. I hope Kurt isn't doing this to get attention from me. Blaine became my enemy the moment he broke Kurt's heart. I always knew that there was something off about that guy. My fear was that Kurt would go back to him. He told me that he was over Blaine months ago. What if this makes him go back? This would infuriate me! On the other hand, I feel like I'd deserve just that.

The way I hurt my boyfriend made me really hate myself. My old habits are creeping in again. He didn't do anything wrong and here I go making everything bad again. Sure, I got mad at him sometimes but I always make the bigger mess ups. I think the worst he's done had been missing the championship game last season. Kurt was my personal cheerleader and it hurt me when he didn't remember the playoffs. Watching him pull off brought me so much guilt. I was too focused on his car leaving to realize that I'd stopped arguing with my teammates.

"Dick head!" Karofsky shouted in my head. "Stop worrying about your ex-bitch of a boyfriend, and FOCUS!" That's when things got physical. I started hitting him repeatedly with so much anger I started to black out. To be honest, some of it was from the anger that I had for myself but he was a good punching bag to have. This was the only thing that was making me feel good, but it wasn't enough.

Within each punch, the reason kept changing. I could see myself in Karofsky which made me even angrier. All I could feel was Sam and Puck peeling me off of him. Coach Beast told me to hit the lockers and don't come back until I have changed my attitude. Well, I just screwed up my chances of getting drugs for a while since we got into a fight. I'll just have to find another dealer.

* * *

 **~Quinn's POV~**

My life came crashing down when Finn told me that he was leaving me for some gay kid. He can't be doing this to us, I thought that we had it made. I was captain of the cheerios and he was captain of the football team. We were going to get married after college but not anymore. Kurt Hummel has ruined my life. He took away the person I was in love with. Yeah, Puck caught my eye at times but you don't see me going after him. Kurt knew what he was doing he used his gay agenda on Finn.

I knew that Kurt would be walking in the locker room yesterday, that's when I had to make my move with Finn. The fighting that I didn't plan at all, all I knew that I had to get Kurt back somehow. It's not that fact that I lost Finn, its the fact that I lost him to a fucking guy. How could Finn do this to me, was I not good enough for him that he found love in another place? I thought I was good to him, I thought we were going to last forever. He was my first love, I didn't know anyone but him.

A man shouldn't love another man, it goes against everything that I was told. It is a sin, God would not allow this. They are going to go to hell for this. The devil has taken over Finn's mind and making him this way. He was taught to fight those feelings. I don't care if Kurt gets burned in Hell. In fact, he deserved that. My problem was that he was trying to take Finn along with him.

I thought I was a good Christian. The good girl who never missed Bible school and was apart of the choir. Every day I say grace and each night I say my prayers before going to sleep. I've never asked God for anything at all. This was the only thing that I wanted. For him to break his heart and return to me. How could Finn ever leave me at all? I gave him everything he wanted whenever we were together. My love for him was so strong that I went against my beliefs the night he really wanted to have sex with me. I've yet to have a single regret about it.

It didn't matter how much Rachel or Mercedes tell me that I should just give up. They try telling me that Kurt has a rough time with high school and life in general. So what?! He chose to be gay at a young age and for punishment, God took away his mother. Karma is a bitch if you ask me. My parents aren't perfect by far, but I know I'd resist temptation if it would keep my mother alive. That proves how selfish Kurt is. He sold his soul, and his own mother to the devil so that he could say he's gay.

* * *

 **~Puck's POV~**

It didn't make sense to me at all! No matter how happy Finn seems to be, I just can't believe that he would date a dude! No it isn't any of my business when it comes down to it, but this isn't the best friend I've known since elementary school. I might be in denial, and I might have benefited from this now that Quinn is dating me. The problem is that my best friend is not supposed to be gay!

How could I be happy with this? Any other girl I'd have no problems. This is just different because Kurt converted my best friend. I feel like I have to look out for him because Finn isn't that bright. He believed in some Grilled Cheesus at one point. Finn is just gullible like that.

I didn't understand how he could date Quinn all of this time, then when jazz hands came along something changed in him. I know I should be happy that he has found someone, but why a dude? It wasn't believable to had to be up to something right? Is this a huge prank that we all don't know about and why wouldn't he let me in on it?

He never showed any interest in other guys before high school. At one point we were throwing Kurt into dumpsters together laughing at him. This has been going on for a half a year now and I'm getting tired of whatever game is going on here! I miss my old best friend when things were easier and more understandable. Ever since we got to high school he makes me join Glee club with a bunch of other freaks, and making us become unpopular after working really hard to get it!

No matter how much he tries to tell me that he was always this way, I won't believe it. Even if this is who he is now.

* * *

 **~Kurt's POV~**

I make it home not feeling much better. Why did I ever want to date a football player, to begin with? With their stereotypical thinking about anything that doesn't have to do with sex, popularity, and winning stupid games! I couldn't stand looking at Quinn today. Usually, I'm the bigger person in situations but with this, I didn't care.

It's just been crazy for me trying to stay positive about my relationship with him. Every day for the past six months I've been trying to let my doubts go. Saying that he really did want to be with me, that he didn't mind my flaws and he truly loved me. Somehow he made me stop cutting myself and giving me a reason to stay alive. No matter what I tried to do to forget, I could still hear his moaning from kissing her, and how he didn't push Quinn away.

I still have the demon inside of me. Multiple demons. The demons that tell me that I'm not worth it. That I deserved to lose my mother at a young age because I'm gay. How could anybody want me to be their boyfriend? Who would want to have a future with me when I had nothing to offer. My dreams seemed so dull and impossible to achieve. I turned to cutting because it made the pain go away a little. Getting bullied is hard enough, but when you barely have happiness inside yourself it makes it worse. As if people could already see through my body and now they just want it to turn into physical pain as well. One demon kept reminding me of how ugly look, another says I should lose weight, and the last one tells me that really don't have friends.

It makes me wonder why Mercedes and Rachel would want me as their friend. I'm nothing except a waste of space and time. These doubts began way before Finn or Blaine. Ever since my mother's funeral, seeing her casket be lowered into the ground made me depressed. Finn was the only one who could get me out of it, meaning for the past eight years I didn't know what happiness was. Glee Club brought me happiness but that wasn't even enough. Nothing seemed to be enough to get me out of this misery that had me trapped. It was like a solitary cell inside of a prison and I was depression's bitch. The night that I called Finn was like the prison guard finally let me use my one free call for help. I've had many other options to choose from, but after writing my letter to my parents he was the only one that I could think of calling. It seemed like fate that night letting my finger press the call button on his number.

* * *

 **~Finn's POV~**

I somehow made my way home and upstairs to my room. I threw myself on my bed, I had to think of where I was going to get my fix. I needed it, I don't know how to function without it. I can't believe that I had to get into a drunken fight with him.

It all started at a freshman party that I went too three years ago, I have been addicted for three years now I don't know if I want to stop.I can function with it. I wasn't slacking off in school it only made me better. I liked the rush that it gives me, I felt like I couldn't be touched. I have so much pressure on me that I always need to be the best, what if I am not really the best. I got lucky with glee, I thought I never had a chance with Kurt. Football I always knew that I would be good at, well, for the most part.

When I found out that Beth wasn't mine that's where I lost it. I thought the world of that little girl until she was ripped from my arms. How could Quinn lead me on like that, I wanted to be a father more than anything in the world. I wanted to prove myself that I could be a better father than my dad was when I was younger. Puck took that away from me when the results came in, he took her out of my arms in the hospital. I wanted to fight him right then and there but I had to be the bigger person. I took it out in a bottle of Jack Daniel's instead I wasn't sure what I was doing but I knew I liked it. I even had to make a fake ID so I could get some.

I took my first hit of cocaine in sophomore, of course, I found myself at myself at another party. I found hanging out with the druggie loser crowd. That's where I got my first experience with it.I felt like I was somewhere else. I liked the idea of escaping even if it was for a few minutes, the feeling of getting high got me excited. Nobody knows except for me, Kurt doesn't even know if he knew we would really be broken up. It already scared me to death.


	6. White Flags

**CHAPTER 6 _**CHAPTER CONTAINS SELF HARM**_**

* * *

 **~Kurt's POV~**

It was finally weekend I had nothing to do. Sleeping until noon I wasted half of my day, I took my time doing things. I kept having nightmares I couldn't move them I wanted to escape from them. The weight on my heart was still heavy that it made it hard to think straight. To be honest, I felt like I was moving but my body was going in slow motion. I laid on my bed for a good half an hour without doing anything when I first woke up my body was shaking from my nerves which were shot at this point.

My mind was replaying a different depressing memory. This was one of the lowest moments in my life. I had no one to turn to at the time. Dad was busy with the garage and my mom was in the hospital on her deathbed unresponsive. She was awake but I knew she wasn't really mentally with me. Her oxygen levels were terrible and I could see her gasping for air. The night before came with another nightmare. Honestly, it was not one that made sense completely but it was still horrible. My mom had come back to life and was released from the hospital. I was very happy and in disbelief to see her so well, but it felt surreal.

My dad was driving us back home and they were in the front seat. Everything was fine and we were laughing while listening to music. In a split second, we were hit by a car and the airbags came out killing both of my parents. I got out the backseat trying to get the front doors open but they wouldn't. The doors were locked and I tried every I could to get them open. Nothing was working and I was screaming for help while crying hard. I felt people laughing in unison throwing eggs at me with Finn, Puck, Blaine, Karofsky, and Quinn at the front of the crowd.

Maybe it had to do with everything that happened the last couple of days. Whatever it was, it was a perfect example of how I was really feeling inside. Alone. Nobody there to protect me from my demons as they were in the bodies of everyone I knew. My own best friends were being used by my demons to break me down even more. This wasn't just because Finn and Quinn were kissing. It was a combined with everything in my life, the good, the bad, and everything in between.

When I finally got out of the bed I went to the bathroom. Looking at my reflection in the mirror only made me feel worse. I'm not the one to pity myself, but I had to admit that I looked awful. It had been quite a while since I've seen this person. He looked lonely, lost, and discouraged from doing anything in his life. The old Kurt Hummel had finally returned. It wasn't like I wanted him to, but there couldn't have been a better time for his appearance.

When I took out the old familiar razor blade I only started to cry. Why was I about to restore to this way again? I remember that day like it was yesterday, Finn came to my rescue that night. He had spent the night holding me in his arms as I cried then eventually fell asleep. His warm embrace made me feel so protected, safe and loved. The demons were put away even if it was just for one night. I'd never felt that way before in my life with anyone. Even with Finn's encouraging words running through my head again, I just thought I could shake away my thoughts but I couldn't. Even with his words lingering in my head the urges were even stronger.

* * *

 **~Finn's POV~**

Ah the weekend, this is where I can really live it up and go on a bender. I had to find where the parties were this weekend. I just need to check with my contacts on where the good drugs were. I needed to feel nothing my home family wasn't the best and my love life… Well, that looked non-existent at the moment. The sports injuries can't all be fixed with an ice bath.

My home life has been different since my dad came home from the army. I see the way he treats everyone I don't believe in this post stress crap. He doesn't need to take it out on everyone and everything. I get we didn't see what he saw or went what he went through doesn't mean he gets to be a dick head. He always told me that I would never amount to anything. I always wanted to prove him wrong. He always verbally abused me I felt like I could never do anything right in his eyes. Maybe my addiction stems from that, I feel like I can escape all of the pain that I mask. I don't want to worry Kurt he already has a lot going on why add more to his demons when I have my own.

I got a text from my inside source of where the next party was going to be. I knew I needed to get out of the house, I don't get how she is still with him after all of this time. I ran downstairs after everyone went to sleep I hopped over and headed to the park where the party was. To my surprise there not that many people there, maybe that was a good thing. The more drinks and drugs for me to consume. I made sure I take a few baggies to keep me tied over until Dave would give me some more. I couldn't promise that I would preserve it because I knew myself I would want it all in one sitting.

I made it to the bonfire where everyone was at, someone just handed me a red solo cup it smelt like a strong drink that could knock me on my ass. I knew wasn't going back home tonight with my first sip in my system. I worked my way over to where the drugs were being sold. I didn't want to buy all in one section. I just didn't want to feel anything...if he saw me here with this crowd he would not approve whatsoever. Even that thought didn't stop me from getting the drugs I needed.

Besides Kurt, this was shamefully the other highlight of my day, or really night. I know I shouldn't be doing this but I enjoy the feeling of what getting high brings to me. It made all of my problems go away, even if it was only temporary. After obtaining the drugs whether if I ingest them or stick a needle in my arm I felt unstoppable. They take me into a whole different world where everything is easy going and carefree. Every drug does something different to you, it's like some kind of special effects of a sound system. All of them can take over my mind. One could turn me into the walking dead it was a downer that made feel nothing at all it was like I was canceling out the world around me. Another could get my body buzzing a little making a great sensational feeling. This was my escape from it all. Nothing else worked, not even Kurt at times, which would kill him if he knew.

What was the worst that could happen with this? Sure, some people die but I'm not going overboard with it. I knew my limits on this unlike everything else. No matter what I tried to do it was always wrong in my parents' eyes. If it was then I didn't do good enough. I remember coming home with a good grade on my test finally, and all my mom did was remind me of how my grades still suffered overall. My relationship with them was never good, but dating Kurt only made it worse for us. I knew I was one step from being disowned by my own parents. I'm not regretting anything because he was the only reason I could be able to still smile.

* * *

 **~Kurt's POV~**

As the day went on the temptations got heavier, It felt like my body was craving to get into the bathroom and just end it all. Nobody was home and I was getting very lonely and desperate. As if with everything I did throughout the day reminded me of it. Nobody was home to stop me. My friends were all calling and texting me wondering how I was. I didn't want to hear from them I had my mind set on doing this to myself so I just turned my phone off and threw it somewhere in my room so I couldn't back out.

When I go to the bathroom, I saw the razor. It's like its calling my name. Constantly tempting me as if it could really speak to me. _"Come on, Kurt, you know you want to… Nobody cares about you anymore. Why do you want to keep living for? Nobody would miss you or even know you're gone."_ Every time I look at the sharp, bladed instrument, the more I want to do it. My resistance level was decreasing, and Finn's words were fading away from my memory. These demons were always with me and they were always loud in my mind, but with him gone the demons were able to win me over.

They were getting louder, though. Not only louder but more vicious. I didn't just want them gone, I needed them gone. The demons were taking over me minute by minute. My body was in misery. Everyone tells me I'm strong when in actuality I'm the weakest link. Who's considered strong if they cry every day? How can one be brave if they cut themselves every night? I was FAR from that word. At times I couldn't understand the definition of it. I'm not proud of who I am. It has caused more pain just by coming out. Two failed relationships later and look at me. I'm pathetic and miserable looking at this damn mirror with a fucking razor in my hand, but I can't help it at all.

I slid down the bathroom door with the razor looking at my bare arm. I was thinking about how I could end it here and now. No one would care if I just left I had nothing or no one to live for. Tears were streaming down my face silently, I wanted him to break down the door and knock it out of my hand but that wasn't happening anytime soon. I place the blade closer to my arm my thoughts were swirling around in my head. My head was pounding I needed to take the edge off. I had visions of blood running in front of my eyes, I took the blade across my wrist slowly and painfully as I could.

I moaned in pain the first slice was down I don't know how many more rows I wanted to do but I knew if I kept going it wouldn't hurt as much. The blood rushed from my skin down to my clothes while making a small pool on the tile floor. This was a familiar feeling, but since I hadn't done it in forever it hurt more than it should. I rested my head on the back of the door and closed my eyes continuing to scrape the blade across my arm. I felt my body get weak as I kept going. My skin was red and raw just like so many times before. With every tear that fell, every cut I felt some type of relief. I could start to feel weak I started to feel my vision get blurry my head was spinning I felt my body hit the floor completely.


	7. Emergency

**CHAPTER 7 **TRIGGER WARNING****

* * *

 **~Burt's POV~**

Work was still very busy even with it being a Saturday. There were many vehicles conning in and out the entire day. I let out a long breath of exhaustion as I stepped inside the house, take off my hat and jacket, walking down the hallway. "Kurt, I'm home" I call out as I entered the kitchen to wash my hands. The house was quiet, too quiet for my liking since his truck was still in the driveway. It got me suspicious and worried. I knew he hasn't been happy about not getting the role in the school play, but it felt like there was something else.

This wasn't the first play that Kurt had been excited about auditioning for that he didn't get. No matter what he never got this upset about it. I had an uneasy feeling about it, and the silent atmosphere that was in my home didn't help at all. The second time I called out to him which I didn't get any response to got me more worried. Even if he were sleeping he would be able to hear me. I head down the stairway into the basement knocking on the door. "Kurt?!" No response. Not even the sound of him snoring could be heard. I try to turn the doorknob and it was locked so I busted the door down. Looking around in a panic, I didn't see him anywhere in his room.

Something told me I needed to check the bathroom, I bang on that door a little harder calling out Kurt's name. This wasn't ever like him to not answer me even when he was upset with me. There still wasn't any indication of him being in the room besides that it was locked. Breaking the door down I found my son on the floor with blood dripping from his wrists quickly. It had me in total shock and in a realization of how much this depression had driven Kurt to. How is a father supposed to react when he finds his child in this condition? More importantly, I questioned myself as to why I wouldn't notice that it was going to get worse instead of better.

I quickly got on the phone dialing 911 in a panic. It seemed like it took ages for them to pick up. "911, what's your emergency?"

"M-my son is unconscious! Please send an ambulance!" I could hardly get the words out of my mouth.

"Okay sure, stay calm. May I have your address, please?" I rolled my eyes a little in frustration. I thought the emergency services could get that information straight the phone call somehow. This made me very impatient for a second but I gave them the information needed. Luckily, I didn't remember to lock the front door. Kurt always gets upset with me because I always forget. Well, today I have a good reason. My heart couldn't take looking at the current situation that was being presented. My only son tried to end his own life.

The ambulance seemed to take forever to arrive when it really only took about ten minutes. I gave all the details that I knew. When you find your son on the floor of an attempted suicide you feel like a failure. I knew he had some type of depression that I didn't ignore but it was definitely way worse than I'd imagined. My heart wanted to be with him in the ambulance but I had to take my truck so I wouldn't be stranded at the hospital. Not that I'd ever want to leave my son, but I didn't have anyone to call if I were to need anything. Getting in the vehicle I wasn't even ten feet apart from the ambulance not letting it leave my sight. Not caring whatsoever about any speeding tickets when my son's life was possibly on the line.

* * *

 **~Finn's POV~**

I woke up groggy on the field in the park. I didn't know what time or day it was, my head was pounding once again. The park was completely trashed from last night, all I saw everyone sleeping or hungover. My phone was dead, not like I had anyone important blowing up my phone because he doesn't want to talk to me. My parents didn't care where I was.

I got up in pain everything aches from head to toe. I climbed over people to get back to my truck I felt like I was at a modern version of Woodstock but with really bad music. As much as I loved this lifestyle all I wanted more than to be with him doing something lowkey but then when I was with him all I craved this life. I liked feeling this rush it excited me and scared me at the same time. I didn't know how to stop or control it but I knew I loved it. Maybe more than my life with him.

What felt like forever I finally got back to my truck, I made sure that I had all of my belongings including the drugs that I bought. I get in my truck figuring out where I wanted to go next, I knew I didn't want to go home but I knew I needed to go somewhere. I would do anything to go over to his house but I know he doesn't want to see me after what happened.

I thought about getting enough money together to rent a motel room so I can be away from everything. There was so much drama going on around me I needed a place to call my own. Yeah maybe this is my place where I can do my benders but I at least I won't be around all of the screamings. I wanted to drown out the noise.

I went driving around to look at motels to see what the cheapest would be. I found one that I liked I made a reservation for tonight until I was ready to come home. I used my tip money from Breadsticks to pay for it. I had to go back home get to a few things, on the way back I had to make up some excuse on whose house I was staying at. It's not like they would check on me anyway. They were too involved in their own problems to even notice mine.

* * *

 **~Burt's POV~**

I finally made it to the hospital parking the car and rushing to the Emergency Room. My head was spinning like crazy. How could things happen like this? I quickly asked around to see where he was. Explaining that I was his father and I followed the ambulance here. No one seemed to know yet since he was probably just getting admitted and getting tests done. The thought of losing the last of my family was killing me inside. I took a seat in the lobby playing with my hands trying to calm down, but of course, it wasn't going to work.

I wished that I had come home earlier to be there with him. Maybe I could have stopped him and asked Kurt what was bothering him. What if I was working too much and needed to spend more time with him? I was the owner of the garage after all. Somehow I kept thinking it was my fault that there was something I didn't do or something that I did do without realizing. We usually talk about everything when we were together for our father and son time. Finn had brought joy back into my son's life, he couldn't stop talking about him and I didn't mind one bit. If this boy brought the spark in his eyes back when he would talk or do anything, then I appreciate him for that. It's some things a father couldn't do and if a friend or relationship could do that then so be it.

The next thing I thought of was to call Finn. His number was going straight to voicemail which got me worried as well. I didn't know much about his life besides what Kurt has told me. After a few more tries of getting the same result, I let out a sigh getting anxious about everything that was happening. Just the other day everything was great with Kurt annoying me about his excitement for his anniversary date coming up. Something had to happen to make him want to hurt himself when he woke up I knew I had to ask him. But for now there I was in the damn emergency waiting room pacing the floor not even able to process anything that was happening. Even a single thought of losing him made it complicated to think straight. I may not be the best father in the world, but I'd do anything to protect him.


	8. Relapsed

**CHAPTER 8 **TRIGGER WARNING****

* * *

 **~Kurt's POV~**

I woke up groaning and in terrible pain. The last thing I remembered was blacking out after going too deep with the razor. I didn't care, though. My life still didn't seem worth keeping at all. I'm in misery, horrible heartache, and just pain. No matter where I was heading it had to be better than the life I was given. Why did I have to wake back up this time? I hated hospitals for so many reasons. They bring back flashbacks, and not just from my nightmares but from the past with my mom having breast cancer, and my dad once had a heart attack. Maybe it's too ridiculous to have this much of an effect to a break, but with everything else to deal with I have my breaking points. Between the bullying, harassment, and emotional distress I didn't know how much more I could take. I never did anything wrong to anyone in my life, but just because I'm gay I somehow deserved it.

When I finally opened my eyes I found myself hooked to many noisy machines beeping like crazy around me. I looked at my wrist where I had cut to see it wrapped up and full of blood. I had these straps on my arms they were afraid I was going to hurt myself again, I was some kind of watch. They are handling me with kid gloves like I was going to break or something.

Would I ever admit that it felt nice having this addiction to cutting to anyone? No, not even on my grave would I tell it. Yet, the feelings that I had from doing it was nice. Taking a deep breath I searched around the room to see a familiar face. Even though I knew it wasn't him I was kind of hoping he was here instead of my dad. I didn't want Finn to think he had to be my keeper. Usually, I know how to be alone with myself and my thoughts, except today I didn't know how to do that.

"Kurt…" My dad starts, "Thank goodness you're alive!" He looked like he had been crying hard. I hated seeing him this way. Letting out a painful groan, I tried to sit up straight in the bed. My eyes met his and the feeling of guilt took over my not body. There were other ways that I could've handled my pain but I decided to go the way I'd been familiar with.

"I'm s-s-sorry…" I managed to choke out before a tear came from both of my eyes. This wasn't fair to him. My careless act made him stressed out and worried.

"Don't be. I'm just thankful to have found you in time. I tried to call Finn and he didn't answer."

"Why would he?!" I shouted out of heartache. "I don't mean to yell, but dad he never cared about me seriously. It was all a joke!"

"Kurt, you've been with him for a half a year now. Why wouldn't he care?"

"It's been complicated between us this week" I sighed.

"Complicated how?" He asked. I could tell in his voice that he was turning into the overprotective dad that I knew too well.

I had to think pretty fast. "He just has been a little overwhelmed with everything, you know? Finn is still in the process of accepting himself as being attracted to guys as well. He's not one to really label himself, but I'm letting him take as much time as he needs."

My dad folded his arms and raised an eyebrow in question. "Alright," his voice sounding in disbelief, "I would just hope that he would pick up my calls because why would I call unless it was an emergency?"

I let out a shaky sigh. Dad wasn't an idiot, after all, you had to be really convincing even if you were telling the truth."He had a big football game today, and it's actually in a different city! I wanted to go but there weren't enough seats on the bus. You know McKinley has a tight budget still, and Coach Beiste has been pushing them hard at practice. I wouldn't be surprised if they're practicing right now for tonight."

"What school are they playing against?" Dad questioned.

"Seriously dad, you know I don't really pay attention to things like that," I say in defense. "It's working for us somehow. He tries to pay attention to Project Runway and Drag Race while I try to take interest in sports." I was taken back a little when I said that. Finn had said those exact words to me the other night and I just took the time to realize how true it was for us.

* * *

 **~Burt's POV~**

I don't know why he thinks that I'm believing anything that he's saying. It's almost laughable when I think about it. Kurt needs to tell the truth to me. All I'm trying to do is get answers from him. Blaine seemed like a good kid and he turned out to be a player who didn't give a damn about my son. The way Kurt had been acting for the past couple of days indicates that something is going on. This wasn't my focus totally at the time when he was in a hospital room after a failed suicide attempt. I take a seat next to the hospital bed as we began to talk.

"Fine," I commented, "That's not important to me right now. I just need to know what would make you want to end your life over anything. Even if nobody else needs you around, I do. You're my child and I can't imagine life without you."

I could see the tears falling down his face which made my heart ache. "Thank you for s-saying that." Kurt begins. "Thank you because I don't think anyone else needs me. I feel… I-I feel like a burden, with everything going on in my life feel empty inside. Why do I deserve this?"

I shook my head. "You never did anything to deserve this kind of pain."

"Then why did mom have to d-die?! Why do I have these evil demons in my head telling everything that's wrong me nonstop in repeat? I have so many questions running through my mind that no one can answer."

"I wish I could have those answers for you. What I do know is that if you could have saved your mother, even at eight years old, you would have." I say. "Believe it or not the demons will go away eventually. You just haven't found happiness and I see how hard you try to get it. You're so close, Kurt, please don't give up."

The way he hung his head down letting more sobs escape from his eyes was unbearable to watch. I wanted to take this pain away from him. If Finn gave him this pain, then he has lost all my respect for him. I thought he could be the one for my son but I guess he is proving to be like that Anderson kid.

* * *

 **~Finn's POV~**

I get to my house, I needed to figure out what to pack for my stay at the motel. I needed to make sure that I wasn't known when I got in. As long as I don't interrupt the game that he watching I knew that I was in the clear. I walked into my house to see the tv was going but he was passed out in his favorite chair with a can of beer in his hand. I knew that my mom wasn't going to be home for a couple of more hours so this was perfect timing.I could slip in and out of the house and no one would ever know.

I run upstairs and into my room, I throw some clothes into my duffle bag. I made sure that I had my school stuff and phone charger before bolted out of there. I was itching to get out the house for few days if I stayed any longer I would have lost it.

I make it out of the house without making a sound. I make it back to my truck and I head over to the motel. All I could think about was getting high feeling numb. I knew I was supposed to have him on my mind but he was far from it at this point. I needed anything to kill this pain I am feeling. Between my body pain and emotional pain I wanted to feel nothing, I know it's not healthy to go numb but what else was I supposed to do.

I make a pit shop at the local market to get food and some drinks mostly alcohol. I had no one to tell me what I was doing was wrong and if they did I wouldn't listen to them what if I like the excitement of drugs and alcohol so does every kid my age what makes me different.

The motel sign was flickering in the distance I knew that I was home. I get the keys from the lobby I make my way to my room. I hope the door, throw my bag on the floor near my bed I set up a camp of where I wanted to do my bending for the weekend. I get my phone out to charge when I finally get it on I see a number I don't recognize. There was even a voicemail maybe they had the wrong number. I just end up deleting it I don't answer numbers that I don't know. I lay on the crappy bed and I flip through the channels I suddenly got bored, I stare at the scratched up table as if it was mocking me to come over and have a taste. How was I going to be able to resist?


	9. Dreams or Nightmares

**CHAPTER 9**

* * *

 **~Kurt's POV~**

A day goes by so slow when you're in the hospital with nothing to really do. I feel ashamed and like I let myself down. Never I imagine myself cutting deep into my skin over a boyfriend again. Of course, there were other reasons to go back to this behavior but if I'm being honest with myself, it was mainly due to this heartache. I'm not strong enough to move on easily. Everything felt real with him almost like a fantasy coming to life. I had stopped crying eventually to fall asleep at night getting some sleep. However, it was yet another nightmare that wasn't pleasant. Actually, this one could happen in the future, but again not really.

 _ **It was the wedding of Finn and Quinn. The thought alone scared me enough. Having the love of your life get married to somebody else is tough and if it's with the person whom they were with before you could make it a lot more difficult. Being apart of the Glee Club meant that I was still invited. It was hard to attend even in my dream but I guess I decided to go be the bigger person. The invitation was beautifully decorated even though I hated to admit it. The picture wasn't something that I would consider current, but it was the picture of them being voted the best-dressed couple in tenth grade. It had the date, time, and location to where it would be. Odd enough it appeared to be only two days away. I was having a panic attack but I still wanted to go for some reason.I needed to know if he was truly happy with her.**_

 _ **I was so lonely, and apparently a widow as well. There were pictures on my dresser from what appeared to be my wedding with Blaine. We looked happy and so in love, the picture had us looking into the camera with his arms around my waist. My heart actually melted at how sweet the picture was. The next thing I noticed was an obituary program with his name on it, "In loving memory of Blaine Anderson-Hummel" was in bold letters followed by his picture. That killed the butterflies just like when he had cheated on me. It left me with both anger and sadness, but in a different way. I didn't know what to call this exact feeling. All I knew was I had a wedding to attend whether it would be hard for me or not.**_

 _ **I headed out my bedroom to go somewhere and the door led to the wedding day and I was already dressed up in my tux taking a seat next to Mercedes in the Church. It felt strange being there with Mercedes, I figured that I could get through the ceremony but I was way wrong. The wedding was beginning as Puck and Lauren walked down the aisle with strange smirks on their faces. They were followed by Mike and Tina, and lastly Santana and Brittany the same unexplainable looks. What was going on here? Finn soon came down to the altar which made my heart sink. He looked so happy and excited in his suit and tie.**_

 _ **Quinn came out soon after and I refused to stand until Mercedes made me. It felt miserable watching her go down the aisle. I had to pretend to look happy for them no matter how much it killed me on the inside. My body wanted to scream how wrong this was. How Finn belongs with me and not her. This couldn't be a happy marriage no matter how happy they both seemed to be. Everything felt as if it were a setup. My heart was pounding like crazy and it was getting harder for me to breathe. I turn to look at Mercedes, but instead, Blaine was there and I screamed everyone was staring at me.**_

 _ **"What are you doing h-here?!" I asked terrified. "You're dead!" Everyone started to laugh at me. I didn't know what was going on anymore so I subconsciously started to back away. This couldn't be happening right now. Nothing was making sense.**_

 _ **"I'm here because I'm your husband, Kurt," Blaine tells me in a mysterious way. "I never died."**_

 _ **"W-what?!" I couldn't get my thoughts together anymore. Especially since everybody was turning on me. Why did I deserve this? I was horrified, in humiliation, and in complete fear. It was such a crazy feeling that wasn't making sense at all. I backed away to the wall when people started to come closer to me slowly holding slushies in their hands and laughing hysterically. The demons in my head were turning into familiar faces which scared me half to death.**_

 _ **As I woke up**_ , _**the** **last thing I remembered was them throwing the red liquid all over my clothes and laughing at me. I cried out for help but nobody came to my rescue.**_

 ***End of dream***

* * *

When I woke up finally from the horrible nightmare I was shaking in fear. I didn't remember where I was at first when I frantically looked around the hospital room. Why were these dreams getting much worse? I didn't know what to do. I feel just hopeless as I was in the dream. I didn't know why I thought that it could happen in the future, I didn't understand it but Finn could turn out to marry Quinn instead of me. That thought disturbed me to no end. He wouldn't love me anymore, and that's if he ever did in the first place. Marrying Blaine was the last thing that I ever wanted. I'm afraid to be alone, I already have low confidence and self-esteem. I was lucky that a guy like Finn could ever give me a shot in the first place.

I didn't think my existence was important even if it was here or in this alternative universe that I had cooked up in my head. My demons were gnawing at my brain to make me think the worst, it would only get worse without Finn being by my side. Without him I felt unsteady, only he could make me feel like I was protected by danger. Nothing could bother me because he would save me from everything. That's how powerful his love, or what I thought was love, was to me. Being his boyfriend meant more than a role to me, it was so important to me and it was precious to me. I thought he knew and felt the same way that I did. That turned out to not be true.

"When can I go home?" I was talking really soft and quiet and I wasn't sure if my dad heard me.

"Later on today, son." He informed me.

I was relieved to hear the news. Being in the hospital was awful to me. There was nothing to do except sit in the bed and look around. The monitors connected to me beeping showed my blood pressure, heart rate, and oxygen level. What the machines couldn't read was the amount of pain that this heartbreak was causing me. What medicine, shot, or surgery could a doctor do to heal that part of me?

I knew an antidepressant wouldn't cure how I was feeling even the demons wouldn't be settled the urges would come at me stronger. Pills weren't going to make me feel better, only one person can do that for me. That one person doesn't want to be in my life anymore I wasn't surprised I am a hard person to love. He was gone and I was lost.


	10. Drink The Pain Away

**CHAPTER 10**

* * *

 **~Finn's POV~**

I make my way to the table, I sit down looking at what I should do first. Do I want to get drunk first or get high off of these drugs or a mixture? So much to do so little time before I have to go back to that shit hole that I call home. No matter what I did I was escaping from my problems. Why can't I keep a relationship, was I not lovable? I can't be that fucked up for someone not to love me. I shouldn't be replaying my father's words in my head but here I am and all I want to do is get plastered and get high off my ass.

I grab my shot glass and pour vodka first, it burned going down. Whiskey I got used to but Vodka felt fire going down my throat. With every shot came with a new reason. Failed relationship...drink. Horrible son and boyfriend...drink. Unloved...drink. This was my comfort and way out from the pain. All I do is ruin everything that's good in my life. Why should I care about wasting my life away? I had no plans for my life ahead, nowhere to be or go. Fuck my life's ambition because I don't deserve one. Sitting down drinking this shit was the only thing I had going for myself. I want to drink my pain away, drink him away and just not do anything for my life. These drugs were just staring at me ready to choose I wanted to float away so I started with acid.

My mind kept reminding me of Kurt. What if he was going to get back together with Blaine. Would it be because he still has feelings for him, or because he wanted to get back at me for cheating? Either way was still going to hurt me deeply. I was the cause of this loneliness that had led me to this guilt and hurt.

I was prepared to lose the one person that actually cared about me. I had no one to turn to so I just turned to drugs and alcohol, they were my new best friends. I knew that they wouldn't judge me for all of the mistakes that I have made. I couldn't even be a father since that was ripped away from me, that was the only thing that brought me joy. Well except for Kurt, and look I fucked that up too.

I break up the cocaine and put it in a line for me to snort up. It stung at the first sniff then gets better the more I continue. I started to cut up some more boiling it so I can just shoot it up later. This was my life's potential without him, I don't know if that scared me or not but I knew that I didn't like it. I am sure he would be fine if I ended here tonight he was much popular than me spite being on a football team.

After a few more shots and few more hits, I couldn't feel my face or feelings anymore. I stumble my way back to my bed. Letting out what felt like in pain I lay down with fuzzy thoughts going through my mind. None of them were making sense to me. It had to do with everyone; Kurt, Quinn, and Puck. All three of the names were turning into unidentified pieces of a puzzle. I had this strange feeling like something bad happened to Kurt, but he would've told me. We agreed from the start of our relationship to tell each other when something was wrong, no matter if we were speaking to one another or not. Maybe it was nothing but for some reason, it wasn't settling with me right. What if the unknown number was about him? I tried to not think about it.

A heartbreak was never easy for me to get through but this one seemed impossible. I kept wondering how long this break will actually be. Missing him was the simplest way to explain it. My mind then went on to think about Quinn. The way she betrayed me was the worst way possible. To think that my best friend and girlfriend, now ex-girlfriend, would keep a big secret like that from me really made me have trouble trusting anyone including Kurt at first. Quinn really fucked me up, she messed with my head and feelings.

In the beginning, I doubted everything Kurt had told me. He was telling me that I was worthy, that I did have a purpose in my life and I just couldn't find it yet. The truth is, I only had the purpose of being his boyfriend. Beth was going to be my other purpose but that only proved how much less I was needed around. The universe didn't even think I was good enough to redeem myself as a father. I had hoped that I would become a parent by with Kurt. I know that the relationship was only really getting started but I could see myself marrying him. That was never something imaginable with Quinn. I was in love with the traditional way, or whatever the world considered the right way of love. It all changed for Kurt Hummel.

Maybe I wasn't ever in love with Quinn, because it's a whole different feeling whenever I was with Kurt. They say that it's a difference between loving someone versus being in love because I realized the difference between being in those relationships. I guess I only loved the idea of Quinn and being a family.

The love I felt for Quinn was like me loving my best friend but with Kurt, my love was intense explosive I felt an instant connection something that I really couldn't describe if someone asked me about it. I felt more like myself when I was around him I didn't have to try so hard. He could see right through me but this I don't think that he will ever see coming. I have kept this from him, it killed me that I couldn't be open about my problems the way that he is. If I told him I don't know if he will look at me the same way again. I could see it now he would be heartbroken, I honestly don't know if I could change this one thing about me for him. I don't know if I can change for myself. I like this feeling way too much for me to give it up.


	11. What I'd Do To Get You Back

**CHAPTER 11**

* * *

 **~Kurt's POV~**

I walk back into the school acting like nothing happened, this place never brought any comfort to me, but somehow made me more anxious. I step my foot into the building I could feel my depression creeping in and my anxiety it felt like it was choking me. The worst part was the bigger mask I had to put on my face for the public. At this point that was what school meant to me in a broad statement. Put on that mask that helps you smile and don't you dare show one sign of weakness. I wore long sleeves to cover up my scars, and sunglasses to cover up my eyes that were so red from crying.

My locker had words of "encouragement" written on it, to say the least. I felt no encouragement I wanted to crawl back into bed for the rest of my life. 'you deserve to die', ' Nobody likes you!'. Yeah, my school was a safe place alright. I just put my bag away and got what I needed from in there, and then went to the getting my food which I didn't really want to eat in the first place. I knew had to eat something. After searching for a place to sit, I spotted Rachel across the way so I went to where she was sitting.

"Good weekend?" She questioned.

"Sure," I said with sarcasm.

"Well that doesn't sound good, I figured since you didn't answer my calls," she replied.

"I'm sorry." I apologized.

"What's going on, it's the middle of spring and you are wearing a long sleeve that's not like you."

"This break is hitting me hard okay, can we talk about something else? "

"I thought you wanted the break?"

"I wanted a loyal boyfriend that doesn't cheat," I stated.

I felt a heavy sigh escape my mouth. This was killing me on the inside. I needed him so bad, my body craving him in ways that I can't put into words. I yearned for his love and attention but now that feels like a distant memory. To have Finn hold me, love me, tell me everything's going to be alright but I couldn't stand the sight of him. The nights were long and I wasn't getting any sleep. I wouldn't even let myself doze off.

"I'm sorry…" Rachel emphasized.

"It's not your fault" I mumbled before taking a drink of the orange juice on my tray. "This break is dreadful. I know I did the right thing, but something is still unpleasant from being away from him." I admitted.

"What would that be?" She asks.

"I don't know…" I lied. Only Finn and my dad know about the demons in my head. For some reason, I didn't feel like I needed to tell Rachel, Mercedes, and Tina. Yes, I knew I could trust them with basically my whole life however not everyone needed to know what went on in my mind. "It's worse than breaking up with Blaine, I'll tell you that."

We finish our breakfast heading into the first period of the day. Rachel and I passed by Finn's locker but he wasn't there. I found it strange because he's always on time for school, and the bell was about to ring. Maybe he was already in his class? It rarely happens though. Blaine passed by us on the way and I didn't say anything. My life was already crazy I didn't want any more drama than I needed. When we got to the class Quinn came up to me.

"Hummel," Quinn unpleasantly greeted.

"Whore," I replied in the same tone.

"I just wanted to tell you that I enjoyed kissing _my_ boyfriend again. It's been so long that it felt right at home in his arms." I could easily see the smirk in her eyes and forming on her face. It made me sick to my stomach. I wanted to deck her right then and there but I didn't have enough energy for it.

"I hope you are a happy homewrecker, he would never go back to the school's petri dish. I hope that karma comes to you hard." It took everything that I had to even come up with that line. I felt myself getting weaker but still steady.

"Whatever Hummel, have fun with my sloppy seconds," Quinn says as she shoulders me as she walks past.

I was not in the mood for fighting I don't think that I could handle it. If I had it my way I would have never come back to this school ever. Homeschooling kept sounding better and better as the days past, I wouldn't be leaving for him. I have been there before, I am not risking that again. I am my own person even when I am in a relationship.

The rest of the class period had me a little irritated because of her. She's still up to something, I can sense it. I felt unsettled she knew how to make my blood boil. I wanted to desperately prove her wrong with her thinking that Finn would want her back. Even if we never get back together I doubt he would date her again. I say that but her kissing him is the reason why we're on a break.

He could still have feelings for Quinn. I just wished he wouldn't have kissed back.

After the first period, I went back to my locker to get the next binder for the second period. I had to admit that not seeing him around worried me a little. It shouldn't bother me but it does. I felt so lonely without him. It was really strange being so out of place. I wasn't sure how long I needed the break but I knew it couldn't last forever.

Why hasn't he been in any of the hallways? My mind had bought up the worst possible scenarios. There could've been an accident on the road, he could be hurt, or even dead. I look down at the watch he'd bought me for my birthday a couple months ago. I still wore it because deep down I wanted him to still belong to me. To belong to each other.

* * *

 **~Finn's pov~**

I wanted a "us against the world" kind of love but it looks like I am not going to get it. I ruined that the moment I let her lips on mine. I felt like my life was going on without me. All I had left was my bad habits and this room. I was too high to care about anything I didn't want to feel the crash. I didn't want to feel anything at all.

I can't handle seeing him when all I can picture is him crying on his bed. That image is forever engraved in my brain. That replaced the one where I saw the blood drain from his arms. I couldn't handle it I was the cause of that. All I ever wanted was to keep Kurt happy and not make him regret what we had. It was special to me. He was special. How could I be able to face him again without having a mental breakdown?

I know I'll eventually have to but I'll draw that moment out as far away as possible. Sure, I'll eventually have to go back to school but I needed time to myself. Even if it meant drowning in alcohol and drugs. My heart only had room for two things that was Kurt and smoking weed. If I had to eventually choose one over the other then it would be complicated. Then, having Kurt forever in my life would be the best trade-off that I could ask for. So why do I hide it? Why did I keep getting high if that's the case? In a way having Kurt seemed too good to be true.

When the relationship between us got more serious it felt like a dream. He really loved me, and I felt protected. Some may think I was the one who kept him safe and in a way it's true, but he did more. Thinking back to the whole thing with Beth, I kept going back to Kurt. I tried to talk to Rachel but something about her wasn't a safe place

I couldn't even be around my own daughter I fucked that up. I had to go into the liquor cabinet while I was watching her, the one time I had to be responsible I couldn't be. She ripped her out of my arms, she told me that Beth was Puck's. That was a damn lie but I was so drunk I didn't think to not believe her. Thinking about my options I had a few. I could try to get shared custody of Beth. If I really wanted to take her to court I definitely could, but would it be worth it? What if they asked for a drug test? I would definitely fail it proving my case useless. This was when I would need Kurt the most. Despite that he hates Quinn for obvious reasons, he would've been able to put his personal feelings aside and help me.

Now I am all alone. Tears came down my face as I scrolled through the pictures on my phone of us over the months. From the very first time that we danced together to one before I had a football game where I gave him my varsity jacket that's when I knew we were official. All I knew was he's the one for me and I would do anything to have him back with me. I knew this life wasn't for me but no one was around to tell me otherwise. Plus I like the rush of it all something about it comforted me.


	12. I Wish I Could Keep My Heart Out of This

**CHAPTER 12**

* * *

 ***One month later***

 **~Kurt's POV~**

Over thirty days without him is like being in misery. I'm mad, angry, and being overpowered by my demons every single minute of the day. I can't find the escape route no matter where I look. I've been blocking out the world I have turned into a walking zombie. I didn't want to get out of bed anymore I didn't want to eat or talk to anyone.

The girls are trying everything that they can to make me happy and I love them for that, but nothing is working. Finn hasn't tried to text or see me it only proves the point that everything was a fucking lie. I was longer mad but now I feel numb I was losing myself all over again. I would've eventually gotten over my feelings for him and now that seems impossible to do. When I take a peek at my wrist I can still see the scars.

What was happening to me? I desperately wanted and needed to be happy again, to find some type of happiness in my life. The one who gave me that was nowhere to be found in this school most days. I felt like Finn was avoiding me at all costs and I hate it. I don't even know if it's still a game or if I lost to it.

I'm clearly not over him yet and I don't think that I can. He was everything to me and I couldn't see myself spending my life with anyone else. Even if it was only six months, that time was magic to me. Everything that happened between us during that time was special which I cherish. I was always worried that he would leave and now that it happened I don't know what to do.

"Kurt," Mercedes caught up to me at the end of the day, we decided to ride to school together today. "How are you feeling?"

"I can't stop thinking about him," I admitted. "He's not around anymore and even when I do see him I don't want to talk to him. It's weird."

"That is normal though. Do you think he went back to her?" She asked cautiously.

That question still burned me no matter how it could've been asked. To be honest, I didn't know what to think about it. I've considered it but I really don't want to believe he did. "Wouldn't she be rubbing it in my face with him in linked with her arms laughing at me?"

"I don't think he would do you like that. Even if Quinn wanted to do that he wouldn't allow it. He still cares about you." Mercedes said in reasoning.

It took me a minute to register what she said before talking. "So you do know they're back together?"

"What? No! That's not what I'm saying at all. Finn is barely showing up to school since the breakup, and when he is he's usually avoiding her." Mercedes informed.

"He's avoiding me too. I don't understand why." It's no longer a need for me to avoid him. I didn't think the damage caused by the break up could get any worse. At least, I hoped it wouldn't.

"I thought you didn't want him to talk to you?"

"Well, now I do… I think… I don't know!" I say in a conflicted manner. We got in my truck and I began driving down the road. "I'm still hurting about it and I'm still waiting for something to happen between us. There's still a spark about him lingering in me about him, and I can't just make it disappear no matter how hard I try."

"That's because your feelings for him are strong that it hurts so much. I'm going to be honest, Kurt. I think that you will get back together. You just have to get over what he did."

I thought about what she said for a minute responding. "You really think so?" I asked. "I do want him back, but I don't want my heart to get broken all over again. My heart and head want two different things."

"Which one should you listen to?" Mercedes asks as I pulled up in her driveway.

"I don't know. I mean it's confusing because I obviously still love him, maybe more than I should at this point. Yet to pick between common sense and love right now? I can't." I put the SUV in park and leaned back against the headrest closing my eyes in frustration.

"Then don't. Take this time to get your heart and mind inline together with each other and go from there. If you belong together it'll work out." Mercedes has always been my voice of reason. If she only knew about the demons taking over my head every day would make her so worried.

They have been making me think about the worst possible things I could do to myself but I've been resisting all temptations. I knew I should've talked to someone about this, but how can I tell anyone that all of this is because of an ex-boyfriend?

* * *

 **~Finn's POV~**

Gin, smoking weed, and everything in between. I kept wondering how I was able to still be alive with everything that I was doing. I knew that I was spiraling out of control but I didn't know how to stop. I wanted to scream that I needed help. That I was so lost and I'd do anything to see him again telling him how much he means to me. It became a desperate reason to drown in my bad habits. Every time I do something I feel like a loser. Why would Kurt take me back? I was starting to give up on that hope of that ever happening.

I sat up looking around the messy hotel room I had resided for the past few weeks. It looked like a movie scene with empty bottles. Not only that, but it symbolized my life perfectly. Nothing in order with shit scattered throughout my phone lit up I wanted it to be him I needed to hear his voice but it was my pain in the ass best friend my heart went from racing to feeling on the edge. Puck knows me so well except for my feelings for Kurt. I never expected anyone to understand but I wanted him to respect me. This means I wasn't good enough for anyone anymore.

I don't know how long I was laying on the bed before the phone rang. I look at who was called and hesitated before accepting the call. "What do you want, Puck?"

"I can't call to check on my straight best friend?" Puck asked putting a little too much on the word.

"Apparently your best friend was never straight." I simply stated.

"When will you snap out of that? You're not in love with Kurt. It was all a prank. I know it was."

I rolled my eyes. Of all days that I'd need support from my best friend, I don't get it. "Puck you don't know what we went through in our relationship. All you've ever done was give us shit about it!" I could feel myself getting lightheaded from only drinking and smoking without food. It wasn't a good feeling.

"Can you blame me? How was I supposed to react to seeing you with him in that light." I could hear the anger in his voice speaking about my sexuality. I still didn't understand why it bothered him so much when it wouldn't have changed our friendship.

"I don't know what to tell you, Puck. The person I love you don't approve of. What am I supposed to say?" I laid back down on the bed feeling even weaker.

"That you'll change back to who you were. The best friend that I knew!" Puck tells me.

"Who I used to be was a lie, Puck." I responded while feeling weaker. I didn't know where he was going with this but it had me so afraid.

"Then I'd rather you go back to the lie… I liked you better that way." After that was said by my best friend I felt myself crumbling on the inside. It killed me worse than anything else could at the very moment. He liked the fake me better. The one that was lost. That got cheated on by his girlfriend with him.

He only cared about the popularity. He ruined something that was more important to him, a friendship of many years. I felt tears running down my face before I could realize. "Wow, thanks so much for your honest support." I said sarcastically.

"What's your problem?" Puck asked me. I could tell he was getting annoyed with me.

"I have n-no one, Noah. What don't you understand about that? No parents, no boyfriend and now I guess I don't have a best friend anymore either!" I shouted through the phone while shaking.

"I know, but you did it to yourself. All of that including Kurt for that matter. You're alone just like you deserve to be." I put the phone away from my ear trying to keep myself from falling apart. I'm losing everything, everyone, but who cared? I could hear him shouting at me but I didn't give a fuck anymore. If he was just calling to treat me like shit I already had that covered.

Eventually, I just hung up on him. I couldn't take it any longer. Everyone was leaving me without a care. There wasn't anybody to lean on for help. I fucked it all up. I headed out to the car. There was a bar about a mile away from where I was staying, I needed it.

I made it to the bar I showed my fake ID. Where I was no one would find me. It was an old bar that only certain people knew still existed in Ohio. The place was run down and everyone was basically a regular including me.

"The usual, Hudson?" The bartender, William asked me. I just nod not in the mood to talk. My usual is the Whiskey neat on the rocks. I only take in one big glass to get me set. Not many people can make it how I like it. That's another reason as to why I go to this one. It's called The Infamous Bison. Known for their old-fashioned building and location. I enjoy it here; it's the other place I feel at home. No one judges me here.

I began to drink the first round when a guy comes over and sits next to me wanting to start a conversation. A part of me wanted to push him away and a part of me wanted to talk to him. He had bought me my next drink in hopes of starting something. I was desperate for another drink so what if came with having sex with some random guy I just had a met. I knew I sucked with flirting so I just went with the flow. He told me his name and I told him mine, we talked about a lot of different things but not once did his name escape from my lips. He was the furthest thing from my mind at this point.

He took his chance and kissed me, it felt electric something I haven't felt in a long time. Not that Kurt's lips weren't magical but this was something that I couldn't explain. I wanted to know more about him, this was bigger than a one night stand but a fling of some sorts. I kissed him back as I threw down some cash down on the bar top. I pull away and I take his hand as I lead him back to my car. I let down my hatch down on my truck I get myself up first before helping him up. I just happened to have blankets in the bed of my truck. I wanted every part of him even if I didn't know what I was doing. I knew the curves of a girl but having sex with a guy was a whole new world for me.


	13. Cars and Parking Lots

**CHAPTER 13**

* * *

 **~Kurt's POV~**

I could try to move on and start over again, but what would be the point? All it would lead to was more pain and suffering from it. I'd given up on dating for a long time. Trying to get over Finn when everything reminded me of him was ok impossible. My school, my SUV, even my own room. Why did it have to be this way?

Mercedes, Tina, and Rachel all came by this afternoon to spend time together. I had to admit to myself how much I'd miss doing things like this with them. "You guys must be annoyed with me." I said.

"Kurt, we've all been through breakups. Rachel and Brody, Tina and Mike, Shane and I." Mercedes listed and rolled her eyes at the last one me.

"We told you not to be with him!" Rachel stated. Tina and I nodded in agreement.

"Why did he think you'd want to have sex with him in the first place?" I questioned.

Mercedes sighed. "I don't know, okay? Besides, he's in the past. He kept pressuring me and I couldn't deal with it."

"Well, we're glad that you left him. You deserve better." Tina smiled.

"You know, we all do." Rachel started. "Only true men belong with us!" We all laughed and toasted to that line. She's right, all four of us deserve better relationships but my mind still goes back to Finn and so did my heart. Actually, my heart never left him. I couldn't move on. Not just yet.

"I think that applies to me too, right?" I asked already knowing the answer.

"It does apply to you." Tina agreed. "It's the same thing as when you left Blaine, you eventually got over him. Same thing with Finn you'll move on."

I sighed. "Okay, you're probably right I should look ahead and not at the past. Also, fuck Quinn. The bitch keeps following me around the school."

"I've seen her, what does she want with you now?" Mercedes asked and I shrugged.

"Not like I have enough shit to deal with, no." I sarcastically laughed. "I've moved on from her I'll tell you that."

"You thought he was the one, did you?" Tina asked me and I didn't say anything. Instead, I just looked at her. "You still do and I respect that."

"I need a better hobby, I know." I said. I glanced at my wrist again that still had a scar on it but was no longer sore. The demons in my head still waiting for me to start back up again but I've been resisting.

"Where'd you get the scar from, again?" Mercedes questioned.

I had to think of something fast, I didn't want them to know the truth. "Working with my dad in his shop again. I was under one of the vehicles and got a pretty bad cut. That's why I was in the hospital."

I hate having to lie to them. It's not like I do it often, but when I do I have a good reason. How could I explain that I sliced my skin because of a break or break up? I'm even confused as to what this is anymore. I haven't even seen him at all. Also, I'm ashamed to have done that so why bring it up. The temptations are still with me, though. Fighting them off isn't easy to do.

"Oh," Mercedes said, "Anyways, I don't think it's a hobby. You're just missing him."

"I know, I just miss the happiness he brought to me. I had a purpose to get up and live life. Now I don't really. Which is bad to say because it sounds like my happiness was dependant on his love, but it's true."

* * *

 **~Finn's POV~**

I let him take over since I was out of practice. He got on top of me, already grinding his body on top of mine before we started to take off clothes. The crisp air hits us making us want to work faster. His hands were erratic and fast on my shirt as he began to tear it off. The clothes hit the ground outside of the truck.

He starts to ride me as moans escape my lips. His name escaped my mouth, he didn't even stop he kept going. It wasn't even his name, but Kurt's. I guess even drunk I still think about him. This man on top of me was good to me; he could tell it was my first time all over again. I close my eyes as he went faster, Kurt's face kept flashing in front of my eyes. I couldn't snap out of it but I didn't want this guy to stop. He moved down to my neck and sucked on my tender skin.

The guy then went down kissing my chest and making his way down. I was practically begging for more than he was giving me at the moment. I closed my eyes to imagine that I was with Kurt and that he was doing all of this to me. This was the best feeling ever. Nobody else had made me feel this way during sex before. I felt my underwear be taken off of me and the cool breeze hitting my member his lips were wrapped around it beginning to suck. His wet tongue swirling around my member sucking and swallowing.

He brought me great pleasure as I found myself kissing him back when he went for my lips. We kissed vigorously as he lifted up my legs and start to enter inside me. His tongue dominated mine as he went in. It burned but I quickly adjusted to his size. I held onto his back as I enjoy him inside of me. At first, he went slowly in and out which burned but I could take it. He went fast. It brought me pleasure, he had me on a high that I never wanted to come down from. Maybe it had to do with me being so drunk out of my mind.

I was no longer thinking about Kurt. He felt like a distant memory. Was I starting to forget him? I didn't want to I needed him in my life more than anything but he was slipping away.

Love. To be loved. To feel loved. That's all I ever wanted. Was that really too much to ask for? I guess it was since all I got was shit in return.

We laid on the blankets side by side out of breath. What I'd just experienced while half sober was something magic. I liked it. When I finally caught my breath, I turned to him and kissed him passionately and hard. There was just something about his lips I couldn't get enough of. Finally breaking the kiss, he sat up and started to put his clothes back on.

"Can I at least know your name?" I asked while pulling up my underwear.

"No." He tells me. "I just needed someone to bang, and you're not bad for an amateur, we can just exchange numbers if you are looking for a no strings attached relationship."

With the way I was going that didn't sound like a terrible idea. Yeah we were on a break but it sounded like we were done for good. If all I wanted a was a good fuck and a cuddle to fill the void then so be it. Was I starting to sound like Puck?


End file.
